


the words I couldn't tell you will remain in my heart as regrets

by slytherbyun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, M/M, Military, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin, Past Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Lu Han, Post-Break Up, Songfic, inspired by hello, just a lot of tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:29:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27080476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherbyun/pseuds/slytherbyun
Summary: a simple story of the aftermath of a break-up, with letters (both complete and incomplete).
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	the words I couldn't tell you will remain in my heart as regrets

_ Enlisting in the military seems like the only escape. _

_ Should I? _

_ That would mean the group needs to postpone activities for a while… _

_ But I can’t… _

_ I should go. _

_ Yes, I think so. _

The biggest struggle Minseok ever had to face was deciding if he should enlist already or postpone it until he cannot push it back further. All the while, he was already dead set on pushing it for as long as he can to give the group more time to be together. The fear of their light fading was already imminent with the emergence of other groups. A member enlisting will make the fading go even faster.

But some things just snap.

The day Minseok announced that he would be enlisting, the entire group lost their marbles.

“I thought you’ll push it until December?” Junmyeon was surprised. Minseok knew that Junmyeon’s understanding of his plans were to have one more group comeback before he enlists, but things just never really get easier when you’re going through a rough patch.

“I think I need to go early to get out earlier,” was all Minseok could tell Junmyeon without spilling the real reason why he wants out.

“I’ll enlist too, if Minseok hyung is enlisting,” Kyungsoo firmly said. He was already scheduled to enlist earlier to prevent conflicts with his idol and acting schedules, but was wary of enlisting earlier because of the proposed final comeback before enlistments start.

“Soo…” trailed Jongin.

“I think it’s for the best to start it now, to be honest,” Kyungsoo weighed in. “If we prolong this, it might be harder for us to come back.”

“But the company--”

“Screw the company,” said Chanyeol, suddenly standing up from his seat. “Minseok hyung, if you want to enlist, go ahead. We’ll support you, one hundred percent.”

Minseok saw Chanyeol look his way and flash a smile. The tall man was the only one who knew the real reason for his sudden change of heart. He could only nod his head in appreciation for what he did.

“Hyung, if you want to enlist, go. We won’t be in your way,” Junmyeon also flashed a warm smile. Minseok went to hug their leader in appreciation as well.

“Then it’s settled,” Minseok said, getting up from his seat, making his way back to his room, avoiding all eyes staring at him.

Once he closed the door, Minseok just laid on his bed, continuously contemplating if he did the right thing.

_ From: Junmyeon _

_ I know. :) _

_ We support you, hyung. _

~•~•~•~•~

“Hyung.”

There stood Jongdae, inside the dorm, inches before the line that separated the living room from the balcony. Minseok didn’t dare look at him in fear of his emotions spinning out of control.

“Please.”

The older man said nothing, not wanting to engage in anything that can make the situation even worse. He heard Jongdae start walking towards him, his footsteps getting louder as he gets nearer. Minseok deadass just stared at the sunset in front of him.

“Hyung…”   
  
“What do you want, Jongdae?” asked an irritated Minseok.

“Don’t go.”

That made Minseok lose all of his cool. He looked at Jongdae in defiance and anger. “How dare you?”

“Hyung--”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do and what not to do. I never forced you into anything you didn’t want to do. And it’s fine. Just...leave me alone.”

Minseok fought. He fought so hard to keep the tears at bay. He fought to keep his emotions in check. He fought to keep his sanity in check. He fought himself to not get affected by what Jongdae said.

“You shouldn’t enlist just to get away from me,” Jongdae whispered.

“I have to enlist anyway,” said Minseok. “Might as well be now.”

“I’m sorry.”

Minseok still refused to look at him. He doesn’t want to start tearing up just because Jongdae apologized--apologized for ending their relationship. For coming to terms that they won’t work out in the long run.

For the longest time, after his heartbreak with Luhan, Minseok never wanted to open up his heart again. He never planned on liking Jongdae, much less falling in love with him. He never planned it, but he was thankful when the younger man reciprocated the feelings.

Minseok and Jongdae used to be together for a couple of years; since 2016 to be exact. For Minseok, those were the happiest years of his life, despite all the hardships and struggles they faced as a group, as individuals, and as a couple--a closet couple, to be exact. The ride wasn’t easy, but Minseok knew that Jongdae was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life.

He hoped Jongdae felt the same way.

But he didn’t.

And it scarred Minseok deeply.

~•~•~•~•~

The day Minseok was scheduled to enlist, he woke up early that morning, getting everything prepared. As the organized person he is, he went and did a final rundown of the things he had to bring to the base.

He looks around his room, feeling more nostalgic than ever. He decided to sleep here for his last night, just to bond with the members.  _ All of them. _

A knock disturbed him from reminiscing the memories he shared with his members. The door opened, and in came Junmyeon.

“Hyung, are you ready?”

Minseok nodded solemnly. “I just did a final check.”

Junmyeon smiled, and rushed to give the older man a hug. “I’m going to miss you.”

To that, Minseok chuckled, hugging his younger friend back as tightly. “We can always message each other, you know that.”

“Still,” Junmyeon pulled away. “It feels weird that you won’t be here after today.”

Minseok could only manage a smile, and then picked up his stuff. “Well, we better get going. We have a long day ahead. Is Jongin awake?”

Junmyeon nodded, and smiled back, helping his hyung with the rest of his stuff. “One last meal, and you’re leaving.”

~•~•~•~•~

“Let’s make a tradition.”

Everyone looked up from the bowl of black bean noodles that they were eating, focused on their hyung, who was close to tears already.

“Every time one of us enlists, we have to take a photo touching their bald head.”

To that, Chanyeol and Baekhyun burst out laughing, seemingly liking the idea. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, just sighed.

“No fair, I have to relive the bald phase with these two again,” pointing towards Baekhyun and Chanyeol.

Jongdae smiled at the idea. “Sounds wonderful. We get to have our own thing. At least the fans can get a glimpse of us as a group.”

A piercing sound of discontent came from the iPad used for their video chat. Yixing and Jongin were clearly upset that they only thought of the tradition now.

“This is why I hate being alone in China,” said Yixing. That earned laughter from Minseok, who felt bad for his friend.

“This is why we have pre-enlistment breakfast meals,” consoled Minseok. “Next time, fly here!”

“I’ll be there for Kyungsoo’s, I’ve cleared my schedule as early as now,” Yixing told the members, which made all of them smile.

“Of all days to be on the other side of the world…” Jongin grumbled. Minseok knew Jongin couldn’t postpone his schedule even if he wanted to, and he understood. He hoped his younger brother knew he would never hold it against both him and Yixing for missing out.

“We have to go,” their manager said from the other end of the table. “It’s almost time.”

“Let’s not forget to take the photo!” Baekhyun said, excitedly rushing to Minseok’s side to get some time with his hyung before he leaves.

~•~•~•~•~

The day Minseok left, he told Jongdae to check his dresser. The younger man was just confused, but he knew his hyung had probably placed something inside. Minseok always loved placing letters in random places, even while they were together.

And inside the said dresser was an envelope addressed to him.

Jongdae slowly ripped the envelope, revealing a short letter Minseok wrote for him, probably before they left.

_ Dae, _

_ I can’t say these words to your face, and I’m truly sorry. _

_ Know that I’m never going to be one hundred percent mad at you. You will always be a friend to me. Our bond was defined by our friendship before our relationship ended. _

_ I can’t say I wasn’t hurt by how things happened between us. I honestly thought you and I would make it. But I guess things really do change over time. I can’t blame you entirely. It just...hurts. _

_ Please take care of yourself. You’ll always be special to me. _

_ Take care of the members. _

_ Wishing you well, _

_ Minnie _

Jongdae just clutched the letter to his chest, his breath sounding shaky as he tried so hard to not cry. Minseok will always be special to him. Minseok will always be his greatest love. No matter what anyone says, that man will always be the representation of the greatest love he will experience for the rest of his life.

But not all love stories pan out the way we want them to, and Jongdae knew that.

Minseok deserves someone who was sure of himself and of his future. Minseok deserves a person who knows they will choose him without any hesitations. That person was not Jongdae. He knew it in his heart that there will always be hesitations. Minseok doesn’t deserve that, because he knew that man was sure of him.

Jongdae just kept whispering “I’m sorry” until the words just drowned in his cries.

~•~•~•~•~

“It’s just a song.”

That’s what Minseok kept saying when everyone kept telling him to watch it. Baekhyun and Chanyeol have been the most insistent and persistent in getting Minseok to watch. Even Junmyeon messaged him to support Jongdae.

He appreciated how his members looked out for each other while the enlistment season was on-going for EXO. Everyone supported each other’s activities even from afar.

“It’s almost 6PM,” he whispered to himself. He sat down on his bed, took his phone out, and made his way to the SMTown YouTube channel.

There it was.

Minseok forgot how much he missed Jongdae. He forgot how handsome he was, how endearing he was, how his heart ached for him.

He finally pressed play.

_ Hello, it was hard to just say this word _

_ While my mind was complicated for so long _

_ To decide what to say next _

_ So many words piled up in my mind _

_ And the empty space I couldn't fill in _

_ In fear that my empty words might leak through the gap _

_ I'm scared _

Could he be referring to... _ them? _

_ My dear, during the long hesitation _

_ I couldn't find the right words to express my feelings _

_ With all my heart in those ordinary hellos _

_ I just want to ask if you're doing well _

Minseok’s heart just broke. In the year Minseok enlisted, he rarely got messages from Jongdae. They would exchange pleasantries in the group chat, but never just between the two of them.

Did Jongdae struggle reaching out to him? Minseok couldn’t help but feel for Jongdae.

_ And the space I left empty in the end _

_ In fear that my empty words might leak through the gap _

_ I'm scared again _

_ My dear, during the long hesitation _

_ I couldn't find the right words to exprеss my feelings _

_ With all my heart in those ordinary hellos _

_ I just want to ask if you'rе doing well _

_ Not knowing what to say next _

_ I put down the pen that I was holding tightly _

_ The words I couldn't tell you _

_ Will remain in my hearts as regrets, but _

“Dae…”

Minseok tried to keep it together, as he saw the pain and the vulnerability Jongdae displayed in the video. It was the same pain and vulnerability he saw from him as they were nearing the end of their relationship.

_ My love, I may not ever know _

_ If this incomplete letter would reach you _

_ Even if it doesn't, I hope you're fine _

_ I desperately hope that you'll be well _

_ Hello _

_ After only writing just this word, I stop _

Putting down his phone, Minseok could only shed tears in his seat. The pain he felt a year ago came back--possibly even stronger than it was. He wanted to not watch it. He wanted to not listen to it. He wanted nothing to do with it. He doesn’t want a reminder of something he lost.

Yet here he was, as weak as ever, listening once more to the song Jongdae just released a couple of hours ago.

Nothing could ever go back to the way it was. No matter how hard everyone is trying, there are just some things you can never take back. There are some things you can never go back to. No rewind button that magically takes you to the moment before everything got messed up to hit.

_ From: Kyungsoo _

_ Are you alright? _

He should have never listened to the damn song in the first place. Now, he has no idea what to do, what to feel, how to breathe, how to exist.

Nothing will ever be the same.

_ To: Kyungsoo _

_ It was a mistake listening to this song in the first place. _

Minseok slid his phone inside his pocket to avoid getting it and watching the video again. It took so much willpower to not crack.

Before he can forget what happened though, his phone vibrated once again.

_ From: Dae <3 _

_ I hope the incomplete letter reached you. _


End file.
